When I looked at the date of my last blog post, I mentally started to beat myself up. Why didn't I spend a few minutes to do something...
But in reality, I was just too busy. And I loathe that word "busy". Everyone is busy. Everyone has stuff going on. There is nothing in my life that is more important than someone else's busy. I'm not going to make excuses here.
What I will tell you is that when this blog post is published, I will have quit one of the jobs I've been most passionate about. My job as a bus driver has come to an end. I resigned. It's only the 3rd job I've actually chosen to leave. Some of the others were made by business decisions.
Why? That's the tough question. I'll answer honestly. I feel like I've been drowning. Too many hours working in general. I overcommitted myself (a personal flaw). Between hours on the bus, hours working with my mentor on a special project, coaching, volunteering and my nail polish hobby, I would wake up, go non-stop and then go to bed to start again the next day.
A month or so ago, I promised myself to take a good hard look at everything I do and start saying no. Yes, I laughed at that last line too. I'm passionate about everything I do. I don't have time for things that are just not worthwhile. So, when I said this to myself, I didn't have a vision for the things that I'd have to stop doing.
I realized last week that I had certain non-negotiable roles that I wasn't willing to give up. I'll use my volunteering as an example. I ADORE working with our shelter on transports. I love the dogs, I love the people, I love the mission. At one point, it felt like a chore to drive there and drive home. That was a turning point. Something I like wasn't enjoyable. While doing it, I was present, enjoying the work and loving the time with my daughter and our team. Getting there was hard. It shouldn't be.
My dad had spent some extra time with us after Thanksgiving. I closed my eyes for 5 minutes to open them again and run out the door. Only to come back and say goodnight. Where was the time to put my feet up and relax?
So where I made the promise to re-evaluate my choices in the new year, I needed to do it much sooner. I can't tell you how hard it is to make a decision to stop doing something you truly enjoy doing. I've met some wonderful people; I've had fun with the kids; I've used some of my ninja coaching skills on the kids (and I think they had a few for me too!). And I have a sense of remorse! Will the next driver love them as much as I do? Who's going to make sure the bus is warm enough on those really cold winter days? What about my little kindergarten friends? UGH! I could torture myself!
But I can't rush though life. I've done it before. But I'll have 2 kids in high school next year. I want to enjoy time now. Our 20th Wedding anniversary is this year! I'd like to be able to enjoy whatever celebration we decide to do.
I told a friend of my plans last week. Sheepishly I said it out loud, making the decision "real". She told me she was proud of me for putting myself first. And since then, many things have popped up to solidify the decision. I had to actually do this one for me.
So as I turn in my keys, a chapter is ending, but another one is starting. A healthier one. Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions. This was one of those. But I had to do it. For me.